


It's a slightly less shitty than normal day at Skyhold and you are a horrible goose.

by Asymptotical



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Goose Inexplicably Likes Character, Goose is magic resistant, The Goose obtains an Unwitting Ally, Untitled Goose Game Fusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 00:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21109673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asymptotical/pseuds/Asymptotical
Summary: It's a slightly less shitty than normal day at Skyhold and you are a horrible goose.The Inquisitor would disagree with the horrible part. It's a goose! It's a very sweet goose who eats right from his hand! Why are you guys leaving your things where a goose can get them? What if it grabs something dangerous and gets hurt? It's not like the goose is planning out any detailed heists here. Stop blaming the poor cute little goose for everything.





	It's a slightly less shitty than normal day at Skyhold and you are a horrible goose.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wednesday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesday/gifts).

The Goose was already halfway through their current task list. Inquisition? More like Inconfusion. It was so disorganized that there wasn't even any fun in causing chaos. Half the time their victim would just assume it was part of the general arrangement of things! And not in the 'I have messed up' sort of way that the Goose yearned for, but the 'This happens all the time and isn't even worth remarking on' sort of way that enraged them. Even when something was noticed as out of place, either the Rival or the One Who Let Them Steal Things From Him On Purpose And Thus Sucked would be blamed. The Goose would have found that acceptable, except the Rival found being blamed delightful and the One Who Let Them Steal Things From Him On Purpose And Thus Sucked was literally invisible to most people here and thus not a good target for blame. 

Maybe they should bide their time until this place was less of a mess, so that they could mess it up again and get the correct reaction. 

That sounded really boring. 

What were they supposed to do until then? Pretend to be a chicken? No. Absolutely not. What did a chicken even do? 

So they kept doing their best to cause chaos. Eventually they would find the perfect task. Last week they had emptied everything out of the Rival's room into the Tavern proper and received glorious confusion and arguing in response, but the glow from that had faded quickly. Maybe they should do it again? For emphasis? 

At this moment, they were waddling quickly around the tavern, having stolen a knife right from the Scout's hip. 

"What do you have there?" someone asked, sounding both amused and concerned. 

The Goose was not here for their amusement and vowed to make sure the mystery speaker learned that soon. As soon as they had hidden their newfound loot. 

The speaker moved in front of them, revealing itself to be the Inquisitor. Good, the Goose already planned to wreck their life as the last task list before leaving to find new victims and now they knew the Inquisitor deserved it. 

They redirected. There was something they could duck under nearby and hopefully lose the Inquisitor that way. Preferably without having their shiny new knife taken. 

Suddenly everything seemed to slow down a bit. One moment they were waddling at a run, the next they were idly considering a nap. They stopped. That hay looked comfy. 

Then something scritched their head, which felt good, as the knife was carefully taken away from them. 

Wait. 

What. 

The Goose shook themself and honked angrily. What?! 

The Inquisitor was holding the knife and presumably responsible for whatever had just come over the Goose and was thus now _THE ENEMY_. 

The Enemy looked down in surprise. "You shook that off fairly quickly didn't you? Is your type of goose magic resistant?" 

The Goose was _everything resistant_ and the Enemy was going to find that out the hard way! 

They flapped their wings angrily, rushing at the Enemy. It wouldn't get them the knife back, but it would hopefully send the Enemy running. 

Instead they gently slid to a halt several feet from the Enemy, who was shaking his head and trying not to laugh. 

"That is the most bizarre reaction to a calming spell I've ever seen," the Enemy said, sounding fond. "I suppose domesticated animals aren't like Halla. The horses were fine, though. Maybe it's just geese?" 

The Goose would show him _domesticated_. Right after they wrecked his everything. Room? Wrecked. Belongings? Down a cliff. The task list would be three pages of destruction. They had broken out of one spell, it was only a matter of time before they got past this one! 

The Enemy tucked the dagger into his belt and broke off a chunk of a muffin he'd been eating, moving close enough to offer the chunk to the Goose. "Here, I'll trade you?" 

The Goose considered. 

They'd had people try to lure them away from things with food before, sometimes only to turn around and try to scare the Goose away from their rightful snack. 

They'd had people offer food in truth, and sometimes spared them from their wrath if it was very yummy. 

They'd never had anyone offer to _trade_. 

Clearly the Enemy recognized the Goose's inherent superiority. 

The Goose eyed the muffin chunk, then grabbed the actual muffin out of the Enemy's other hand, and took off running. 

Behind him the Enemy just laughed, sounding delighted. 

The Enemy was really strange and had dangerous powers but the Goose had a muffin. 

Later, while spying trying to decide what if any revenge he should add to the task list to deal with the Enemy, the Goose sulkily watched as the Enemy returned the dagger...only for the person he had stolen it from to get flustered and insist it had been on her belt the whole day up until it suddenly disappeared. 

And then the Enemy mildly chided her because 'an animal' had gotten ahold of it. 

The chiding didn't last long. It quickly turned into a discussion of how really all the weapons in the area could be more secure. 

It would be disappointing if they did it because the Goose had just assigned themselves a task to steal a sword and get someone to panic. Or maybe it would just add more of a challenge. The Goose was always up for a challenge. They added a task to repeatedly test the weapon storage security and to make sure to spread the weapons absolutely everywhere if (when) the security was found lacking. 

The reaction to this theft should have also been disappointing, since it was so brief, but as the Enemy walked away the Scout was clearly still preoccupied and embarrassed about losing her dagger. Or maybe she was upset about having the Enemy notice. 

… 

The Goose could use this. 

They mentally upgraded the Enemy to the Unwitting Ally. 

* * *

Over the next several weeks they exploited the Unwitty Ally every time they had a good opportunity. 

Everyone started guarding their things much more carefully, fearful of the Unwitting Ally coming around the corner with something in hand to gently remind them to keep better track of it. 

The Goose was fed a lovely variety of vegetables and grains and cracked corn right from the Unwitting Ally's hands as others watched in horror, because the Unwitting Ally had started carrying food just for the Goose. 

It was glorious. 

They had stolen no less than seven things from the Furred One's office, which resulted in the Furred One insisting that the Goose had to be a demon. 

'Really Cullen, it's _a goose_,' would have felt demeaning if it hadn't been accompanied by the Furred One looking incredibly ashamed. And then the Furred One had noticed the Goose spying from the window and jumped up to try to grab them, and the yelling as they flew away was the best sound ever. 

There were three half-hidden signs around Skyhold banning geese. Two more had gone up only to be taken down when the Unwitting Ally noticed and chided people in a baffled sort of way. 

The Goose followed the Unwitting Ally into a meeting one time and did nothing but sit under his chair and preen. The Ravenkeeper pretended not to notice, but the other three were visibly nervous and kept checking under the Unwitting Ally's chair until the Unwitting Ally chided them about it. The Goose followed the Furred One back to his office afterwards just for fun. Halfway there they honked, and the ensuing shouting was everything they could have hoped for. 

For about a day another sign banning geese went up right outside the Furred One's office. The Goose stole it and took it to the Unwitting Ally who sighed and told a servant to find and remove all of them. 

When the Unwitting Ally left on a mission the Goose considered leaving off, since their main tasks couldn't be completed. Then they decided that was stupid. Clearly the solution was to focus on destruction of property until destruction of morale could resume. 

Skyhold was a lot less chaotic now that everyone had been given time to settle in. It was time to change that. 

* * *

Not only was property destruction incredibly satisfying, but now the Goose was reassured that most people with magic did not know how to use it against the Goose. There was a lot of talk about casting spells on domesticated animals with farmers who knew nothing about magic and were mildly confused about the mages having trouble fending off geese. 

Apparently every spell the mages could think of which may have fended off the Goose (good luck with that) would also potentially kill them. The calming spells they tried were different from the Unwitting Ally's spells and slid right off of the Goose. They talked about asking the Unwitting Ally for help, but dismissed that because he didn't think the Goose was a problem and was apparently a type of person called Dalish that were very possessive of their magic. The Goose made a mental note to either avoid the Dalish or find a group of Dalish and destroy them, spells or no spells. They weren't sure which yet. The mages eventually decided that being tormented by a goose was a better option than dealing with a very angry Unwitting Ally, so they didn't even try. 

Safe in the knowledge that none could do anything against them—except possibly the Unwitting Ally, but probably not even him since he was firmly manipulated by now—the Goose set out to continue their campaign of annoyance and destruction. 

They had at least twenty more things to steal from cupboards and deposit in the Rival's room before they arranged for someone to notice the missing items and go looking for them. Once that was done, they had a rickety scaffolding to completely collapse. It was going to be a busy day. 

* * *

By the time the Unwitting Ally returned, the Goose was all but vibrating in anticipation of getting back to their main task list. 

But when they stole someone's shoe and waddled around looking for the Unwitting Ally to scold the owner for 'losing' it…they couldn't find him! 

Eventually, the Goose abandoned the shoe next to a war dog to frame it and went waddling off to spy until someone revealed where the Unwitting Ally was hiding. 

It took them three hours, but the Lady With The Puffy Wings finally mentioned that the Inquisitor should be cleared to get out of bed soon, which seemed silly. The Unwitting Ally hated staying in bed. 

When the Goose tried to follow a servant up the stairs to the Unwitting Ally's room, they were rebuffed by a door closed right in their face. 

Rude. 

The Goose waddled outside, looked at the windows, then waddled back inside. 

They couldn't just _go up there_ without bringing something. The Unwitting Ally might think the Goose cared about him, and that just wouldn't do! 

After a short waddle around, they found something tied to a sconce with a ribbon and removed the ribbon. The thing clanged to the ground satisfyingly. They added a task to come back later and untie all of them. 

For now, though, ribbon obtained, they waddled back outside and eyed the windows again. There was a balcony that they hadn't been to, assuming it was the Unwitting Ally's and thus either not of interest or their very last task list. They hadn't decided yet. Either way, it was where they were flying now. If the Unwitting Ally wasn't there, then they could just wreck the place in revenge. 

At first the Goose couldn't see anyone in the room, then they realized the lump on the bed was almost certainly a person. Jumping onto the bed revealed hair the same color as the Unwitting Ally's poking out from under the blankets he was hiding under. 

The Goose let out the gentlest honk they could, though it still seemed to startle the Unwitting Ally. This was because the Unwitting Ally was too soft. Clearly. They should have bonked him on the head instead. 

The Unwitting Ally smiled at them once he recovered from the honk and reached out to take the Goose's ribbon. "What do you have here? Is that from the hall?" He chuckled. "Well I guess they won't be missing that much. Here." 

And then he tied it around the Goose's neck in a _pretty bow_. 

The Goose had never felt so dapper. 

The Unwitting Ally laid back down. The Goose considered for a moment before they waddled onto the Unwitting Ally and settled down smugly on his chest. 

They decided to upgrade him to the Ally. 

"You're rather too heavy to sleep under, don't you think?" the Ally asked. But then he scritched the Goose's head so he clearly was just being fussy. The Goose stayed exactly where they were. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Tuesday for betaing this for me <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] It's a slightly less shitty than normal day at Skyhold and you are a horrible goose.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21446236) by [ffg_podfics (flowersforgraves)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersforgraves/pseuds/ffg_podfics)


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